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2/15/11 Happy Next Year and VD, everyone! I wrote an update about Skittles Blenders and how they're a little horrible. You don't care and, frankly, neither do I. Here are a collection of things I thought about talking about, but didn't. But... now... am.:

  • Cold avacado skin is apparently harder to cut than warm Erzee skin.

  • BurgerKing.com lets you make your own meal, and it doesn't seem to restrict it in any way. This sucker is 3230 calories, 200 grams of fat, and 7500 mg (that is 7.5 grams) of sodium. I have to assume that if you have the cash, you can get this. I'll call it Le Grosse Erreur. Oh, and a Diet Coke.

  • I've stopped saying things are ironic, because I'm scared of people pointing out my use of the word 'ironic' incorrectly. I think this situation is ironic.

  • Literal Captions to New Yorker cartoons. Generally better than the originals. Beware the occasional cartoon boob.

  • I'm getting pretty set on the view that the Califone verision of The Orchids is likely my favorite song.

  • It's hard to imagine a time when this wasn't offensive.

  • I want to find a Mad-Libs book, and fill it out in the most mundane and logical way possible. "Robert went to the grocery store to buy some fresh eggs". "Suzanna took her yellow labrador to the park".

  • Finally, it seems my old friend Shawn has gone and exploded into a bunch of posts that you should read. Ka-BLEWS!

    12/16/10 New Yammerings! I'll stop bugging you about it now. Gotta think those suckers are practically DOUBLING my readership! Yep, reaching into the high single digits now! The wuhld is my oystuh crackuh!

    I'm trying to Santa up this boring place a little. Basically, I am leaving a Santa, like that one, on someone's desk with a post it pad, instructing them to draw their own Santa and tag somebody else. You've been Santa'd!! Come to think of it, everybody should do this. Forever. First rule of Santa Club, don't talk about Santa Club.

    Second rule, Ho.

    When my new phone starts to run out of juice, it beeps. Every. Ten. Minutes. For HOURS. My phone is the annoying guy with the way too long death scene. I'd put it on vibrate, but then, even in my coat pocket, across the room, I can hear it shivering away. This thing... UGH. It's like one of those Chinese... water droppy... things. Not egg drop soup... the OTHER thing...

    12/08/2010 There's no way I can properly introduce this link. You can hypnotize chickens. There. You can hypnotize chickens. Gain access to a chicken and try it. By 'it' I mean hypnotizing a chicken.

    X-entertainment is in full on X-mas mode and I'm feeling it, too. I give unto you frankensteins, MUR, and, oh, NEW YAMMERINGS!

    Enjoy your delicious fresh YAMS and have a chappy Chanukkah. Light somma them candles for me! I don't understand your traditions or the meanings behind said traditions. Let's Dreidel! C'mon, big gelt! No whammies!

    11/30/2010 I got a link today (ED: But I wrote this a week ago...) that I just can't live without sharing. Click this. You'll be glad you did. Are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles super popular in Russia? I love how the art ranges from superb TNMT characters (some phat line work!) to 'talented nine year old on a Trapper Keeper'. The stories are a little hard to follow, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Did the Predator seriously just KILL Raphael?! WHOA!

    Today ends the first annual Beardvember. While I'm not sure what that means, I didn't shave all month, less I enrage the Pagan god of beards, Stubblis. I may provide a picture, but I'll probably just get lazy and shave. It filled in better than I thought it would, but it's not one or even two colors. It's mostly blond, as expected, but very white in the middle under my lip, reddish lower on my jaw, and more brown on the sides. It's like a calico cat spent all month rubbing on my face whlie I slept.

    On a side note, today is my lovely wife's birthday.... So, uh, um... happy birthday, wife-face!

    10/28/10 Hey! Today is no day for Aerosmith music videos! Today belongs to Mr. Ween and his fabulous day! I made something for you to read! I present to you What I Learned From Horror Movies!

    I've been in the Halloween mood since July, and I'm feeling like I'm coming off of it just in time. I'm getting kinda sick of candy(typing this while eating a mallowcreme pumpkin), my desire to wander through Spirit yet again is waning(thanks for the Jason lights and rubber cat, though), and I don't know how many more horror movies I can watch on TV (Dead Silence still creeps me right the hell out). It has been a good season, though. I never once felt let down. I have just enough steam left to embrace this weekend, maybe watch the It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!, then gather up some candy and birthday loot, then make a small fort to hide out in it until X-mas. No, I will not emerge for Thanksgiving. Just leave some pie outside my fort, please.

    Then, who knows? Maybe Santa's Slay will be on...

    EDIT: If you are going to be in the greater Ogden area tomorrow, consider being part of, or at least checking out the first Ogden Zombie Crawl!

    10/6/2010 I have Aerosmith's Livin' on the Edge on my brain. Don't you wish we could watch the music video together? WE KINDA CAN!

    That was something. Green guy will taunt my dreams tonight. Have a nice day.

    9/28/2010 Something in this office smells like rotting animals. I don't THINK it's me, but now I'm going to be smell-checking myself for the rest of the day, regardless. Today is barely moving and my back feels like somebody keeps on stabbing me. I'd take some Tylenol, but I need to eat something. I could eat lunch early, but then I'd be hungry again before I get home and since I plan on running tonight, I'll need more drugs... and more food. Today is complicated.
    Tis the season to eat candy. FLALALAALALLAALALLAL. I did not count my LAs or even make sure they were LAs. This is important. Tropical Chewy Lemonhead and Friends suck so, so badly. They taste familiar, and I wouldn't be surprised to find out they are just off-brand jelly beans in a box. I ate one little box and then felt nauseous and had a sore throat. Keep it up Lemonhead and you will have no friends.
    To leave this very negative post with a positive feeling, I must mention, we watched REC and it's everything a good horror movie should be. Nice buildup, good pace, unsettling creature, and the bonus of possibly learning a few Spanish swear words.

    EDIT: Completely unrelated, here's what a gritty, real world Pokemon movie would look like.

    9/8/10 HEY! BEEN DYIN' TO MEETCHA! I'm listening to the Pixies while drinking very bad coffee and working the remnants of my bum off! Such is the life of Erzed D. Pennyfeather. Time has come for another site redesign. Should be easier to use on your end and easier to work with on my end. Plus SQLier and get things in line for HTML5. No more strike tags? That makes me sad for some reason...
    The final version of my last update (so long ago...) wasn't saved and didn't include the last and only real important thing I wrote. Ladies, (and creepy gentlemen) I am officially off the market! I got married to the very lovely-eared Ali B.! We took a trip to Alaska for our honeymoon which was a good mix of awesome and... less than awesome... I flew for the first time in my adult life, saw a glacier, and probably killed vampires after BECOMING a vampire!! You don't know. You weren't there. Now we're back, living in a tiny humid apartment with our black cat-child. Do not commence hatred upon us!

    This is, of course, the vastly abridged version of the last three months of my life. What it boils down to is, all is well, I'm very happy and very, very lucky! Luckier and happier than you.

    I'll fight you. Fight you with my vam-powers.

    8/17/2010 I'm in Halloween mode. I have been really on and off since July. It'll die down some, but then pick back up for late September. Here's something for your Halloweenie! Zeke the Plumber. A character on the kinda stupid Halloween episode of Salute Your Shorts. Just watching that clip gave me serious goosebumps. Even as a kid, I knew it was just an actor in a stupid mask with a bandage over the nose. But there's something scary about the way the mouth doesn't move when the guy talks, and the way the mask's eye holes don't match up very well. It's unsettling. For me, the masks that are supposed to be scary generally aren't. Oh, you have a bat-demon monkey face? YAAAAWN. The ill-fitting hobo mask is the one that completely unhinges me. Oh, sweet Marie Curie, mother of Radium.

    In unrelated news, here's a recent text conversation I had with a stranger:

    This was the end of the conversation. I still don't know what 'Fi' is and I'm concerned about my stranger friend and his sis.

    6/03/2010 Today, the AC system is still down. The whole building is, I guess the best word is, balmy. Like when you first walk into an indoor pool or a very busy men's room. It's disgusting. It's humid and awful and adds a few more marks to the 'Reasons I don't want to be here' column. I have a list. What of it?
    Luckily, I'm leaving early today to go get an eye exam and some new glasses. Exciting? I guess. Also, there are nine days to go until I'm married. Exciting?! YEHAW. Then it's off to Anchorage for a honeymoon (and to tackle a moose and kill some vampires). Then my triumphant return to this humid swamp-office. Honestly. It's like being in a room where somebody had the flu for a week. Ugh... my neck feels tacky!
    EDIT: Just got an email from the secretary wanting us to contact her if conditions get to be 'unworkable'. I guess when I start sweating like every drug lord from every cheesy action movie, I'll let her know. As far as I know, Jackie Chan is off killing my dudes as we speak.

    5/25/2010 I got some Runts and I got some awful coffee... let's do this right!
    Getting married in 18 days! That is not a lot of time! I'm excited but not nervous what-so-ever. We have an apartment and almost all our furniture. EXCITE! You don't care. I can't imagine caring about someone elses apartment and furniture, either. ONWARD.
    Red Dead Redemption is all around great. You play as John Marston, outlaw gone good, on a quest for revenge against his old gang. So far, I've tied people up and left them on train tracks or in streams (They drown. Quickly.). I've cheated at poker and murdered people who call me out for cheating at poker. I've learned a lot about the dangers of medical science. I've stolen horses and watched those horses die in all kinds of terrible ways. I've skinned horse corpses. In general, I act like a good person, until people turn their backs, then I do whatever I feel like. It's great. You should try it.
    The game isn't perfect. A few places have glitched out on me and made my horse and I fall through the map and get stuck several feet underground. It's happened several times, all in the same area. Not a huge deal. I wish quicktravel worked better and that costume pieces could be mixed and matched. These are pretty minor issues.
    My biggest gripe is this; John Marston is one tough fellow who apparently keels over and dies should water even gingerly touch any spot above his knee. John can't swim, tread water, or even wade. This is the same John Marston who can be shot dozens of times and jog endlessly through the desert while dodging cougars (mountain lions, not creepy ladies) without ever needing the slightest bit of food. Water on his upper thigh kills him dead. Instantly.
    The game is still wonderful and you should still try it. By association, you are wonderful. Goodnight. Oh, it's 9:20 AM. Nevermind.

    5/4/2010 NBA JAAAAAAAAM! I have never met a single person who didn't like NBA Jam. This has nothing to do with anything, I just had that link I wanted to share. 'PETROVIC!'
    How's everyone doing? HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO! That is Spanish for 'Tub of Mayo'. I'm fluent. Today just doesn't make any sense.
    I'm exhausted and my office is fairly cold. I've been running a lot lately. It's a strange experience. I dislike running and I dislike knowing that I will be running in the future, but I really like the feeling after I'm done running. It's like going to a restaurant you hate because you like the feeling of being full so much... that's a bad example. This needs no example.
    I also dislike the mosquito that decided to fly into my ear yesterday, no more than a block away from my house, deafening me and draining most of my blood (probably). My ghost wrote this. 'ERZEE!'

    4/22/2010 Hey everyone. It's been a while. September?! Lots of things have happened since I wrote an update! In the eternal words of our savior, Mr. Owl, "LET'S FIND OUT!":

    Is that all? I think that's all. Talk to you NEXT WEEK. Promise. I spit on my virtual hand.

    9/22/09 Do not buy Sour Patch Chillerz. They are like Sour Patch Kids with toothpaste. They taste bad and will ruin your whole day. Not to mention they clearly have limbs on the front and back of the package but the actual candies DO NOT. EXCESSIVE WORDS! MISPLACED ANGER!
    However, there is a new (diet only?) Mt. Dew that is acceptable. Ultra Violet Mt. Dew is for those who have wondered what Mt. Dew and raspberry Crystal Light's baby would taste like. It's okay. Drinkable. The smell is unpleasant but strangely familiar... Buy one. Smell it. Email me.
    NEW RULE: If you're allowed to come sit by me outside and start smoking, while I'm drawing and minding my own business, I'm allowed to come over to where you're sitting, and light off a couple black bean soup farts. It's only fair. My smell is just as bad, but my smell won't KILL you.
    Smokers, you have been warned.
    Only 39 days until Halloween. I could not be more excited!

    8/13/09 Hey everyone! It's been a while! I wrote an update, GOSH, a month ago, but never bothered to put it up. I'll summarize. Game fuel = still good. Blue Game Fuel = okay. NBA = over. Football = over. Erzee = unending sadness (until September). MOVING ON!
    I've had coffee and Gobstoppers a few times this week. I gotta tell you, it's a glorious way to start out the day. I proposed to the clerk at Maverik to start marketing Gobstoffee, but I doubt it'll happen. Damn beaurocracy.
    Why not a link dump?

    If you just can't get enough of these kinds of links, or are some obsessed weirdo who secretly stalks me, learning my movements, planning to murder me, steal my Gobstoffee idea, then BECOME me, you can now follow me on Google Reader!
    That is all. G'night Earthling.

    5/14/09 New Yams are up. You didn't think I'd do it, did you?! WELL THERE! Also, I can name about 140 of the 151 original Pokemon. I forgot Drowsee and Hypno and others I could care less about. Kangaskhan! KANGAS!
    Anyway, I still have lots to do, but instead, I'm going through a massive relapse and I'm back on TF2. It's been a little rough getting used to the rhythm of everything again, but I'm almost back (Steam ID: erzee. Hit me up sometime!). Some things have changed (some new weapons, maps, and spy can cloak indefinitely!!) but mostly it's the same brilliant game (nobody protects medics, demos are overpowered, and most people don't get the 'team' concept). New sniper updates are coming out pretty soon, which means, I'll be going spy and pyro a lot more. Mwahahaa!
    I'm wearing new socks and underwear! What am I even talking about? Was I trying to make a point? Well, I wrote it, and now I can't un-write it.

    Huh? I can? Well, I'm not going to.

    4/14/09 Hey all! In case you were wondering it IS self-aware. Strangely enough, this seems to be a real entry...
    Just for a change, I tried my hand at writing ten mini updates last Monday (one an hour at work) in place of one big one, but I basically ended up documenting exactly HOW boring my life is. Also, I complain a lot, but coming in to a 55 degree office and the smell of week-old banana peels will do that to a person.
    Got a DSi and a few games (ahem... Pokemon Platinum). In the near future, I fully expect my life to revolve around making animals fight each other. Oh, and massive amounts of level grinding, but that usually comes later.
    Early version of Obake is done and being listend to. Real version soon. New Yammerings are being worked on. PS3 review section is being considered. True, but non-exciting. Byes.

    4/1/09 OH NOE! Make sure nobody A-F's you today. That's April Fools. Guess we know who the fool is now! You sir! BAM!
    Ah, April Fools Day. The day where people you barely know make it a point to lie to you. I personally enjoy lying to people year round. People tend to be suspicious today and it ruins the fun. I'm leaning more towards non-invasive vandalism. Oops, I've said too much.
    New COD:WaW Nazi Zombie map is fabulous. I'm REALLY hoping for a full-blown Nazi Zombie game to come out. The NZ mode is pretty popular. Come on Activision! Do something rad for a change! Also, remake River Raid and don't screw it up!
    Kinda half-hearted post today. Bikes.

    3/24/09 Hey, what's up?
    Astro-bat feared dead after shuttle launch! OH NOES! Actually the real story is not nearly as awesome as the title. Don't click that... instead make up your own story. NASA scientists built a shuttle to combat the impending wave of Astro-bats looming in space. Mission: ACHIEVED! But, wait a second? Could the Astro-bats have been trying to defend the Earth from bits of Astro-cantaloupe?! Curse you scientists of the 1960's!!
    It's that kind of day. I'm exhausted. I don't want to be at work at all right now and everybody assumes I care about NCAA basketball. Sorry, no. In case you forgot: Frantic speedy players + pointless ball movement + crap defense != better basketball.
    EDIT: Right before saving this, I learned Winnie Cooper just got married. You know deep down a part of you is weeping.

    3/9/09 Day. Light. Saving. Time. Sucks. Are we all clear on that? Don't you ever make me type like that again. Are you even listening?
    Falling back is fine. Everybody enjoys an extra hour of sleeping in. I've suggested it before, let's KEEP falling back. Let's do it twice a year. Then, either we swap AM-PM in six years, OR we just deal with it and get back on schedule in 12 years.
    Sure, there will be children who won't see the sun for the first several years of their lives. Those years don't count anyway. And who's to say they won't simply develop keen mole-person-like senses? That sounds like we're giving the next generation an ADVANTAGE, to me!
    Let's change Daylight Saving Time. For the mole-children.

    3/5/09 Holy crap! March already?! The months just seem to fly past when all you do is have your soul slowly crushedwork and sleep! Which leads us to:

    That's all I feel like writing. Bye!

    2/24/09 Hey, what's up? Yeah, me too.
    I'm not feeling super great today. Also, Tuesdays are horribly slow for some reason, that's not helping. I'm thinking I'll head off for some coffee and Runts in the near future and wander around for a minute in the pollutedinversion air of SLC. That's bound to help. In case you don't know, Runts (yet again) have new flavors. They dumped the crappy mango, pineapple, and papaya flavors in favor of more traditional grape and green apple. I'm very much happier, but I miss cherry. I very much doubt you'll find anyone who cares more about Runts than I do.
    I used up some remaining funds in my PS3 wallet last night on Noby Noby Boy. I only got a chance to download it last night so I can't tell you first hand how it is, but it seems crazy. Your only goal is to make your BOY stretch out as much as you can. Then you upload your stretch stat to GIRL who stretches based on the total of everybody's BOYs. As GIRL stretches, more fun stuff is unlocked. She's past the moon right now, and Mars is the next big point. Sounds fun (and ripe with all kinds of euphemisms) to me and for $5, I really can't go that wrong. NOBY!

    2/10/09 A group of crabs is called a dose of crabs. o_o A group of lobsters is called a risk of lobsters... A group of raccoons is a gaze of raccoons, and that makes me smile. So does the fact that a group of swallows is a gulp.
    I've been playing a lot of NBA 2k9 lately, possibly more than Call of Duty: World at War. Crazy, I know! It's a remarkably fun game that keeps me playing despite it's few annoyances. Here's the rundown (and I apologize for the sports related-nerdiness):

    1/26/09 YEHAW! A group of vultures is a venue, or when they're circling overhead, they're a kettle. Words are fun!
    Hey! I'm tired! How about a virtual crappy cell phone picture tour things in my office? I don't care. You're going:

    This first picture is an angry orange. He was kinda dried out. His life consisted of sitting around at my house for a few days, riding to Salt Lake with me, intimidating everybody in my office this morning, being cut apart, having his citrus-filled brains gnawed upon for a minute or two, then being thrown out. Sorry angry orange friend. You were dry and nobody likes dry oranges.
    These are two Cubee things my lovely girlfriend made me when I was sick a few weeks ago. Calendar face guy is on the left, and Weighted Companion Cube is on the right. I'm considering making my companion cube more 'weighted,' most likely by stealing a couple boxes of paperclips/staples from the supply closet. Weighted or not, I adore him/her/it. I'll never incinerate YOU... *blush*
    Bearded cup ghost! Oh yes, we were in bad need of some Halloween decoration around here, and truth be told, I always saw a beard and mouth when these cups were turned over. Don't knock him over. He'll straight up curse you. Forever. He's already got two people on his shit list and I don't aim to be third.