Videos don't kill radio stars. Zombies kill radio stars.

Zombies give the best hugs.

Could I roll a Katamari so big, even Mr. Domino would be stopped by it? Deep.

I've nearly mastered the double jump.

A pig really couldn't marry a frog.

Fine words butter no parsnips.

Pandas are nature's customer service representitives.

The Simpsons really sucks. No joke or anything, that show just really sucks.

How to get out of a Meeting #2:
Fashion a realistic doppleganger(cursed warrior soul is optional) out of stolen paperclips and sticky notes. Drop your pen, make the switch, and you are home free.

Try picking scabs so they stay completely intact.

Cottage cheese is neither a cottage nor cheese.

Teriyaki Chicken flavored Ramen is good!

No! 80% of YOUR body is water, jerk!

Magnum PI's real name was Magnus 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445...
T.C. stood for Theodore Calvin, which is not very interesting.

Life is alright, except the driving missions feel clumsy and tacked on.

HTML is generally pronounced 'hat-mail'.

NPC's have the best lives.

I put one foot in each pant leg then jump into the air while I pull my pants on, just like everybody else.

Lament is French for 'sad mint'.

''Ello there! You ain't from around 'ere are ya? I think you should hunt down that mountain ape what's been attackin' the local children.'

Why does Curious George gotta be so damned curious?

If God is everywhere, what is so special about that pancake?
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Christopher Walken should be in every movie ever made.

Bad Idea:
1)Shake up a bottle of Squirt
2)Place eye on cap
3)Scrunch up eye, until the cap fits firmly in the socket
4)Wrench cap off bottle violently... with eye.
5)Repeat as needed.

If I got a tattoo, it would probably be something stupid. Christopher Walken and Alan Alda playing Parcheesi... across my bum... see what i mean?

Rapper/actors are always horrible. In fact, rapper/ anything always sucks.

Real musicians shouldn't do not have fragrances. Except Pete Townsend, and he can't help it.

The MSPaint Revolution could be televised, but that would be some boring tv.

Coasters are for hypocrites.

Grover is Cookie Monster's illegitimate son.

One out of every five people in America will be injured in the shower, and not just any shower, either...

I got a sunburn. Now i got socklines. What a day!

What a coincidence all those Muppets lived on Sesame Street. I mean, what are the odds? One or two Muppets would have been WAY more realistic.

I have a minor case of OCD. I walk into a room and turn the lights off.

I completely dominate those kids figuring out Blue's Clues.

James Taylor has one coming (shakes fist).

A Haiku about Twister:
Dial gently spins
Horrible tangle of legs
On yellow, right hand.

A whale is actually a fish. Damned mammal propaganda.

Alan Thicke has one coming, too (shakes other fist).

Wiffle bats sting like hell. Wiffle balls- not so much. Which is odd.

Transformers that turn into food would be a really awful idea.

Lava lamps would be cooler if they actually shot lava.

There is no evidence He-Man was ever a Master of the Universe.

How dangerous would Dutch climbing shoes be?

I could totally fight Alan Thicke and JT at the same time (shakes both fists).

A death ray made of Origami would be way more impressive than a regular death ray.

Erzee F*in Roxors, apparently.

Ms. Packman had arms and legs when you would see her in pictures but not in the game. Which is probably some reason she is after those ghosts... to get her limbs back.

Mr. Potatohead's whole body is a potato.

Is the plural of salamander; salamander or salamanders? So, is salamander like deer or cows? Yeah, really not like either.

Waffles are good. God bless that Belgia.

Walking across a pit of Legos would be way more impressive than a pit of hot coals. The Legos wouldn't even have to be warm.

Mr. Potatohead stores his left-over facial features in his ass-chute.

I want to eat WintoGreen Lifesavers until I throw up. Spark in the dark? Not hardly! We're talking horrible violent lightning vomit ANYTIME of day.

Mailmen drive on the right side of the road here, but from the right side of the mailtrucks. Are UK mailtrucks just like normal cars?

I almost died from eating a Bugle once.

I caught encephalitis from Christmas music. Or from riding a dirty merry-go-round.

SUUUURE... When he does something bad he is MY God.

An Angel can only sting you once, then it will die.

My number one fear is that my eyes will dry out enough, that when i blink, they will stick shut.

I would make a kickass UK mailman.
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A lot of people say, if they had a choice, they would die in their sleep. Not me. Three words. Golf. Cart. Explosion.

Aren't we all undead?

I like nice robots. Killer ones are ok too.

There's going to be a sequal to the movie 'Contact'. It will be aptly titled 'Crap'.

Think of all the great musicians who have died over the years. There's gotta be so many great concerts going on right now... sometimes I wish I were dead... for the concerts.

I can't stop Mr. Domino.

Judy Jetson is hot and all, but she might be my great grand-daughter.

I wish Salma Hayek was here.

It really bothers me out when people dress up their pets. It's like they want us to believe the pet dressed themselves. 'Yeah lady, smart cat you got there... sweater vest MY ASS.'

Remember, collect 100 fruit and you get an extra life.

Or just find your own severed head hidden somewhere around you for a quick 1UP.

People used to say swell when something was good. If something was good for a long time was it swollen?

Someone somewhere out there probably has a tattoo on his/her butt that says 'I Heart Arron Neville'

I bet Inspector Gadget has a kickass backstory. A tragic true story about a little android boy nobody loved.

Every one likes Ginger Spice the best.

What if a referee actually went blind, then we'd all feel bad.

2003, the year of the terrible Arnold impression.

Parliment Funkadelic had no official power.

Don't get me started on Grand Funk Railroad.

It's Karma Chameleon not Comma Chameleon. Nothing to do with punctuation.

Poor, poor pinkie toes. Inevidably, those stupid little nubs will be severed from the rest of my foot, and we'll all be a lot better off...

I am strongly opposed to women suffrage.

Scabs are nature's way of passing time. Like bloody baseball.
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Why doesn't anyone develope the center of the Monopoly board?

Youve gotta love Mary-Anne. Coconut cream pies and hotpants.

Never take candy or drugs from strangers.

If home is where the heart is then a heart transplant is like moving.

Its only fun after someone loses an eye.

Big Fat Lie: Charlie Brown is known as Charles Marron in France.

Big Fat Lie: As the music begins at the start of Milo and Otis, start playing 'The Ozz Man Commeth'. It matches exactly.

One time I actually said 'edit undo'.

Who is your favorite member of N'Sync? Mine is the rat-faced one with no talent...

A nun walks down the street and gets charged with assault and nunnery.

A guy carrying a bag of popcorn walking down the street gets charged with a-salt and buttery.

The energizer bunny walks down the street and gets charged... with battery.

If you take the Fifth Element and the Sixth Sense you should get the 11th Cement.
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Tip your hat to people, instead of saying hello.

My favorite President is Rutherford B. Hayes. Look at the man's beard!

Inform others about their right to party.

What does darn tootin' mean?

Use the word often as much as you can. Then switch off pronouncing the 't'.

Nativity scenes should be more of an all year thing. C'mon give the wise men sparklers.

Staring directly at the sun could be good for you. If your'e not supposed to do it, it makes you wonder.

Load up a jukebox on one song, then tell people how this song always brings back the memories.

If lions had opposable thumbs, Oh how the world would be different.

A peanut is both a pea and a nut.

Imagine, lions could use guns! Now that's scary!

It's better than a kick in the pants... Thats almost always true

Try not to giggle when you say 'red hot monkey love'.

Never turn your back on anyone... and close your eyes part way.

How can a pac-pellet help you eat ghosts?

An umbrella cannot stop an anvil. The Coyote was a fool.

Monopoly is way to easy to cheat at. (TIP: Always be the banker)

Say 'yup' and 'ah reckon' more.

Dont be fooled by adult bookstores. They only have books on the importance of fiber and wearing your pants too damn high.

When a car drives past you in a parking lot, start running after it.

Always have a clever catch phrase handy. Incase you have to thwart someone.

Argue a lot.

Butt Dimples.

People will believe basically anything

Paul McCartney is dead.

Video games are important. Pac-man and Winston Churchill...think about it.

'I don't know what it is but im not going to touch it' could save your life

There is such a thing as a stupid question.

Act shocked occasionally when someone talks to you.

If you're getting a ticket, try to distract the cop. Plus this supposedly works with packrats.

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow don't be afraid now. That's just a spring-clean for the may queen.

Cops and packrats have a lot in common. For example, both enjoy eggs.
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If I were a monkey, I'd like to be a spider monkey. That way the very mention of my name would strike fear in the hearts of criminals.

Whenever someone calls you, and its a wrong number, pretend like it isn't. Just pretend to be whoever they ask for.

For a change pretend to be really interested when telemarketers call.

I think JabberJaw should team up with Josie and the Pussycats. That would rock.

What the hell is wrong with JabberJaw. He doesnt need water, he doesnt try to eat people, he talks like Curly, and he plays the drums. What the hell?

Occasionally, pretend like youre having a heart attack, then when people come to help you, push them over.

I bet if people started naming their shoes, almost everyone would name the left one 'Lefty'. Not me. I'd name mine Ricky Ricardo.

Whenever you go to a big event where everyone is wearing name tags, try to switch yours with someone else. I find it makes the evening more enjoyable!

Every once-in-a-while, when you go to work, turn the calendar ahead a few days. You'll soon see how it helps the work week just fly by.

It's fun to make strangers cry!!

Run. Absolutely everywhere. All the time. Dont slow down for anyone or anything.

How to get out of a Meeting #1:
As soon as the meeting starts gently kick the bottom of the table or tap on your chair. This way they think someone is knocking on the door. So you get up, answer the door, and close it behind you. Simple easy.

You can not swim through change. The DuckTales was a big fat hoax.

Try to sing along with talk radio.

If I were rich I'd play Monopoly with real money... hell, maybe even with an actual silver dog!!

If I were trapped on a desert island with only one thing, it would have to be ...a freakin' boat.

Big fat lies:
#1 The first game of bowling was played with coconuts and some very frightened chickens. Also, the loser would be sacrificed to the pagan bowling gods. This is why bowling is such a respected and revered sport today.

#2 Most people grow more hair on the left side of their bodies. This is due to the more oxygen rich blood flowing from your heart to your left side.